Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
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cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
this is the best interaction on twitter
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses