Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
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What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
*puts words between two asterisks*
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.