an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
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It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food