[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
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never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.