Jesus steals the winter solstice
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the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Ok but actually
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.