I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Expect the unexporcupine.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
work smarter, not harder