Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
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When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
This is my pinned tweet
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Skills
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.