Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
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Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
j o i m p
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.