Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
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People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
tourist season
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.