You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
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Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?