My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
You Might Also Like
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!