“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
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*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
You have been warned.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now