me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
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Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.