I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.