Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
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Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Me, in DM rooms…
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.