I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
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I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience