I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
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[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.