I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
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*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night