Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
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If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
😂😂😂
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.