Cashiers are always checking me out
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*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
My purse is deeper than some people.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”