I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
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Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
When I laugh on my period
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.