@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
You Might Also Like
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho