Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
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I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
The dark side of Canada
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right