It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
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An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Proctology is located in A55
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office