PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
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Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???