thanksgiving in nutshell
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an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*