“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
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I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.