Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
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It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.