A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
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A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
The Struggle
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this