Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
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ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
So that’s what we looked like?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.