I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
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Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why