My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
You Might Also Like
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Your honor these allegations are
Me :
All Day At Night
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.