I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
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‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.