Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
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I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check