Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
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Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
men are simple creatures
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.