Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
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Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
The booster protects against what, now?
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?