I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Bed should get ready for ME
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”