Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
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I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
2022 be like
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
#oldknees
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting