The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
so, is there a mister shapen head
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.