Lmao the reply
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If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
May have had one breakfast too many