[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
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If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
all that yoga finally paid off
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.