everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
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Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis