My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
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her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah