Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
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I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive