Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
You Might Also Like
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
incredible book dedication
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree