this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
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dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Had an epiphany today.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing