*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
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Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend