It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
You Might Also Like
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
that de-escalated quickly
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls