“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
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be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Just how popey was the pope today?
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?