interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
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my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.